I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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