My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
