We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
