I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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