Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
