chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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