I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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