I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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