I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
