Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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