So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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