Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
