just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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