I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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