You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
