I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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