There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
