I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
