sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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