I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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