she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
