I skipped work to stalk him.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize