Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize