i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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