Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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