I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
