people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
