community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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