the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
