how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
i believe in u and ur pee
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
