i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
