I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
