that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Randomize