just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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