Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize