I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
