I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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