The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
