How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
