Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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