i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
