She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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