There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
