We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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