I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
