Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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