I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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