They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
