My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
That accounts for only three of the penises
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
