You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize