I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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