I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
