shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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