im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
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